Who do you think you are indeed? GAA fans under the spotlight
The hit BBC series has taken a new approach in its upcoming series signalling a switch away from focusing on genealogy towards social anthropology. In a brave departure from its successful formula the new series, rather than following the bloodlines of well-known personalities and uncovering their links to Royalty, wars and historic events, will instead attempt to solve intriguing mysteries about entire civilisations and cultures. A top team of the researchers and broadcasters have been quietly working on a new angle that’s sure to garner a worldwide audience.
We can exclusively reveal details of the first episode which will be of huge interest to Irish viewers. With fortunate timing in the wake of Fitzgate, the hour long special is devoted to answering a question that’s been to fore on talk shows, online forums, even in old style print newspapers in Ireland this week- Just Who do Kerry GAA supporters think they are?
Extensive research has revealed some characteristics of these elusive creatures and promise to help unsuspecting members of the public cope properly, should they encounter large groups of these ‘supporters’ as they journey along the much vaunted Wild Atlantic Way or in other haunts further afield, such as London’s Cricklewood, Perth (Australia)and Queens (NY). We can exclusively reveal how researchers have identified the following as central to the true identity of the Kerry GAA supporters:
1. The firm belief they are the only tribe entitled to win anything ever.
2. A sense of entitlement that includes the right never to be criticised about any aspect of their behaviour/appearance/speaking style or propensity to or failure to travel to any point beyond Farranfore. The number of All Ireland medals held by the party offering any such criticism, however well intentioned, appears to offer no protection in this case. They are savaged regardless.
3. Approval of a unique social structure where a Fella with a specified number of All Ireland medals is entitled to look down on a Fella with fewer medals and write accordingly in his newspaper column. This may be described in Dublin 3 terms as ‘Calling out the lack of leadership from the players while not flaking the manager’ but is never described as such by Fella writing the piece.
4. They possess an endless supply of Belvedere Bond writing paper to ensure constant outpourings of creatively written masterpieces offering advice to Players/Managers/ ‘Failed Intercounty Players From Other Counties Making a Living from the Media’ alike. (Bulk buying of Belvedere Bond has been noted across some parts of the county recently although it is not clear if this is linked to Brexit or the recent takeover of the Examiner by the Irish Times).
5. They display great antipathy to anyone deemed to be ‘Still Dining out on their One All Ireland Medal’. This includes members of their own tribe.
6. A reluctance to apply for high profile positions of responsibility so as to fulfil the Old Testament prophecy ‘Sure no-one with any sense wanted that job that time’. This facilitates criticism of anyone foolish enough to make such an application.
7. Detest the Healy-Raes for failing to engineer the odd landslide every few years, thus closing the road over the County Bounds and stopping good footballers going to the University above in Cork and getting notions/white boots/neon boots/One Sigerson Cup medal.
8. Secretly harbour reservations about the fortitude of That Crowd Above in North Kerry. This is typically manifest in statements such as ‘What do they know about football above there, sure they’re only good at playing middling hurling’ or ‘they’re grand for the plays and poetry and short stories and the like but not much good for anything else’ and ‘sure you’d want that girl of the Hannons that’s above on Primetime to explain that so-called defensive strategy- tis more complicated than the Charlton Tribunal- pure codology altogether’. That Crowd Back in West Kerry are merely ‘mad’.
9. They have not been to Puck Fair or the Rose of Tralee believing ‘they are just full of tourists and Journalists Down from Dublin to sneer and write ‘ironic ‘articles and complain how they didn’t get to Electric Picnic this year. Oh and lots of Junior Footballers from Up the Country looking for wives that might one day win the Best Dressed Lady at Punchestown and get their photos in the Farmers Journal because that’s the nearest to winning any National title they will ever get’.
10. They make statements such as ‘ Social media ? Forums? How could we be on them things? Sure we have no broadband at all, at all here. I had to pay for the Youngest Daughter to pass the Driving Test and she drives me to that high part of the road at Barna Gap above in the County Limerick every evening so that we can check who’s dead on RIP.IE. You can’t trust the Kerry Radio to have all the arrangements’.
A neutral expert panel, believed to include Kevin McStay, Minister Shane Ross, Charlie Redmond, Brian McGuigan and renowned academic Dr Mary Beard, will review the findings and in a unique interactive element, viewers will be encouraged to share their experiences of encountering this savage and potentially dangerous race of people.
Series Producer nigel (smallcase as an artistic statement) smithersfield comments ‘It’s been fantastic, uncovering the world of this secret race, the Kerry GAA supporter. Gosh we all thought we knew the latte loving Irish, with their high tech, low tax jobs and informed decisions to emigrate for artistic purposes and their lovely unpronounceable names. But this takes it to a new level altogether. It’s like suddenly you can see them everywhere, all the people called O’Sullivan whose fathers and grandfathers worked for Murphys and who went to back South Kerry, even before Star Wars was filmed there.
My favourite shoot was the Long Night in the Glebe Car Park. Apparently it should have been the Night of the Homecoming but instead people just came and silently cried and lit candles as they stared at their photos of Tom Crean, Tom Sullivan (Rathmore) and Seamus Moynihan. It was an unbelievable spiritual experience’
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Who do you think you are indeed?’ begins on BBC One at 9pm this Sunday and is repeated on RTE One the following night in the hope that some of the participants may be able to hold the aerial out the window long enough to watch the programme.